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Ok so we were talking with my friend who has just re-entered the dating scene the other day. It just seems so confusing for her. So she decided to come up with a few dating rules to help ease the whole process.

DISCLAIMER: these are my pal’s dating rules, ok?

  1. I am not a booty call. Therefore do not engage in booty call behaviour. Not calling me all day then calling me late at night = booty call behaviour. The later you call me, the more points you lose.
  2. I need advance notice. I’m not altogether rigid – have room for some spontaneity but it’s not much and don’t abuse it. If you want my company, book in advance.
  3. I do not pay for my food or drinks or tickets- while on dates. If you wanna spend time with me, be ready to spend some cash.
  4. Nigga don’t try to cougarize me!
  5. You cannot come to my house for a loong time. I have a kid in my house. You’d better have a place of your own or be willing to make acceptable arrangements.
  6. Some sort of gesture is required for special days. These are
  • My birthday
  • My kid’s birthday
  • Valentine’s day
  • Christmas/new year
  • Anniversary
  • Your birthday
  1. You are expected to call/ text/chat i.e. communicate on the regular. You AINT my boyfriend of you on the down low for a week or more at a time!
  2. You better be a good kisser from the get go! Slobbering all over my mouth or crazy ish like blowing into my ear drum will get you dumped faster than you can ask, “What did I do?” Nigga!
  3. I don’t date men who needed to do some sort of grooming before they came near me. Brush your teeth, take a shower, put on some deo, put on clean socks and underwear before you get near me.
  4. There is one exception to #9. Hair. Shaggy hair, afros, dreads, cornrows are acceptable. But if your hair is relaxed or straightened in any way or has gel in it, nigga stay the hell away from me!
  5. If your pinky nails are long that’s just gross! Wtf are you trying to communicate with that? I won’t even shake your hand so walk on by!!! Long, dirty and/or broken nails are just nasty! Seriously! Groom much????

There are others not hard fast rules but it sure does stifle your chances of being noticed by me if you don’t abide.

  1. If you have on some nasty cheap cologne wtf!
  2. If your shoes are just like off. I mean what the hell were you thinking when you went to the shoe shop, fitted and bought those!!! (I like some swag! For real!)
  3. Earring! I dug it when I was a teenager, not any more. So unless you’re Mehcad Brooks, take it off!
  4. If you are wearing Garrissa lodge jeans, shirt, shoes, cologne or just anything i can read Garrissa lodge off, seriously!
  5. I think some just go without saying like nail polish, bling (unless its very subtle), a grill (lol!), hair extensions, make up, female clothes, lol! (OK, ama stop now)
  6. But come to think of it dry ass lips, ashy elbows, no-no. Moisturise dude, moisturise!
  7. Bring some manners with you. Say hallo like a civilised human being. Don’t be loud or obnoxious. Eat without slobbering. Do let me go first. If you open a door or pull out a chair, your points will sky rocket. Word.
  8. I love me a guy who’s got jokes but if your jokes be stale, please don’t share them with me. And for Mercy’s sake don’t laugh at your own dry jokes!
  9. If I spent my evening with you show concern as to how I’ll get home. Drop me at home or get me a cab. Don’t escort me to the stage and go like “ok, lemmi know when you get home” idiot!
  10. Compliment, Compliment, Compliment. I’ve got high self confidence. Seriously I’ll believe you when you tell me I look absolutely gorgeous, that I’ve a killer smile and lovely taste J

(And you can never go wrong with this one) I am a queen. Treat me as such. And do try to measure up 😉